My uncle RB looks like a young Ron Jeremy. 

Earlier today I was driving around with my windows down and of course I was blasting and jamming to ‘All around the world’ by the Red Hot Chili Peppers and I was at a red light and this guy pulled up next to me and he looked over at me and I had on these crazy ass aviator sunglasses and I looked over at him and I started dancing and doing that hand thing Anthony Kiedis does in the video and I was singing along to it and he starts smiling and laughing and I was giving zero fucks about how ridiculous I looked. 

how many times am i going to fall up the stairs?

Hey ya’lllllll

Greetings from ~Ohio~
It’s cold as fuck up here. My flight was lame. There were these two ladies getting shit faced off bloody marys the whole time. My aunt’s dog won’t stop harassing me. He’s such a cunt. My lips are chapped. I made pumpkin pie. Tomorrow my aunt and I are gonna go to the movies since my cousin works there and can get us in for free then she said we might go play beer pong. There’s so many cool things here. My aunt’s dog keeps eating deer shit. I still havent seen any deer. My aunt showed me a house that has a barn with ostriches in it. There’s a grocery store here and you have to pay 25 cents to use a shopping cart. Everything is so weird here. Its 33 degrees outside. It might snow. Thats about it. 

my boobs are so unbelievably soft. i wish i could motorboat myself.

everytime im driving on busy roads the little bastards pop up and i try to kill them but they jump/run away and then im left wondering where the fuck theyre hiding. last month i was driving from orlando back to my parent’s house and i was going 85mph down the interstate and saw this cunt scuttling across my dash so i skillfully removed my sneaker and tried to smash it but it escaped. 90% sure im gonna crash and die all because of a stupid spider.

need

So around 2pm I woke up and snuck into Best Western to use their pool. It was nice except there were a bunch of old guys there staring at me and this Jamaican guy was hitting on me the entire time I was there. And to make it worse, my sister left me all alone with him. What an ass. He kept talking about how he cut off his dreads and was asking me where I lived and I’m thinking “SHIT” and then he asked me what I do for fun and I started saying a bunch of bullshit and ugh omg it was so awkward. One of the old guy’s was singing that ‘moves like Jagger’ song and it was awesome. Then the Jamaican guy kept wanting me to take a picture of him on my phone so he could use it for FB and he’s like “I wanna give you a flower but you’re sister looks like she wants to beat my ass” and I’m like omg this is awkward as fuck I need to get out of here. I was so annoyed that my sister left me with these dudes and they kept talking about how they wanted to pick me up and I’m like omfg its time to go so I left. Fucking awk to the max.

we went out to that stupid golden corral today and this 81 year old guy tried to pick my grandma up. LMFAO She was looking at the pudding and the guy was looking at the jello and he was saying how he couldnt eat the jello because of his diabetes and he said he was going to anyways because he was gonna die from it eventually then he asked her how old she was and he told her how old he was and then he asked her out and she said she didnt know what to do or say so she came back to the table and I almost choked on my food from laughing so hard. 

The other day my grandparents drove down from Ohio to see us and so they can check out apartments in Georgia. They got in yesterday morning. Before they got to my house, I ran off to the beach for a few hours to roast in the sun and it was wonderful. They went to my sister’s school to pick her up and my grandma kept trying to pick up other kids at the school and was trying to offer everyone a ride home. She doesnt get that Florida is known for having a large majority of pedophiles/sex offenders. All of those kids probably thought she was a pedophile or something. She told me that she “didnt remember what Kelly looked liked and was hoping that if she picked up a kid, it would be her”. LMFAO

hey aymee, remember when you, leanna, jena and i were hanging out and you guys were on that ichat or skype or whatever the fuck it was and your boob was hanging out the whole time and you didnt know hahaha 

Logging into Myspace is the equivalent to 10,000 rusty forks being jabbed continuously into my eye sockets. I have graced this web page with my presence with the intention and hopes of rekindling an old flame with a former lover since Facebook can not be accessed from the planet on which he thrives on. Before my search begins, the wasteland I find myself in reminds me of all of the pre-teen sluts who bombarded the site with countless photos of themselves in the same awkward poses with fried hair that has been raped with combs, dye, hair spray and other products. Navigating the site like a sailor sailing the sea with scurvy, I find myself going through my friend list. I am immediately reminded of all of the douches I used to associate with. This site has more tools than Lowe’s, Home Depot, and hardware stores have combined. I continued my search for the one and I finally found him. Before I click onto his profile to send him a message, I reminisce on the time I was lying half naked in a garden full of gnomes and patches of four leaf clovers. I was eating deer jerky and a record player was emitting the most beautiful music to grace my ears. I remember having multiple eargasms from it as I soaked up the ultra violate rays the sun provided. A lavender unicorn who was galavanting in the meadow beyond the creek was watching me. He galloped over and asked for my name to which I replied coyly, hiding my flustered face behind my dirty dread locks. He tossed his head and his tousled periwinkle mane flipped from one side to the other as he neighed cries of joy over the shrooms that he had consumed prior to our sheepish interaction. I put on my robe and wizard hat and coitus commenced. Within a few minutes, my wallet fell out of my back pocket. Some change, a few dollar bills, my v-card and my green card all fell onto the dewy grass. Startled at what just happened, the unicorn’s eyes grew wide, his pupils dilated and his nostrils flared. Anger surged through him as he stood on his hind legs. Under his plaid trench coat was the uniform of an immigration officer. Deceived by charm, he reached for his bayonet. I instantly put my arms in the air as a sign of submission to avoid an altercations. Within a matter of seconds, I was apprehended and placed in solitary confinement. I was booked and the next thing I know, I was being deported back to Persia in a banana crate to go back to working as a court jester for a 40 year old prince. 

Fuck that shit.

cree3psheep:

Kristina makes the best/most disturbing faces when she tells stories about her day/when we video chat. Her dumbass even fell out of the chair. Why the fuck is she going to school to be a doctor? Just be an actress, you crazy little fuck. 

Great. Now everyone on tumblr knows how stupid I look when I tell stories and how dumb I look when I fall out of a chair. Herp derp to the fucking max. No regrets. Fuck ur tags, you hooker.